his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
