i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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