I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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