a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize