If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
