i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
