I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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