I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
