If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
