stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
