i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
