K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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