I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
