one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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