mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
this just has baby written all over it
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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