Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
