Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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