ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
