No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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