Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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