After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
