i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
