I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why is your signature on my underwear?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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