If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet