Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL