watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people