If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.