did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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