I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.