All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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