the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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