My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
