I think I am morally bankrupt
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
