Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
