Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
