I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
