if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
