He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
