dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
