I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
