It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
