I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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