i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
3pm strippers are depressing
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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