I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
