my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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