i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
