mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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