3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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