You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
