Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
nutella sex= disaster
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
