Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my phone needs a breathalizer
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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