I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So drunk its hurt
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
