Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
