Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
