Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
