his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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