i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
