we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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