Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
