What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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