Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
