Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
