if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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