I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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